Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sayonara, I choose him.

Alright so that count down has begun. There are only 7 days left of school until summer vacation. However, since I work part time at school (even though I have to do all the grades, and lesson plans... long story) I only work 3 more days; tomorrow, next Monday and next Thursday.

I officially submitted my letter of resignation today to my boss and the district office. I wasn't sure what the response would be. At first I assumed everyone would be angry because I waited until the end of the year to make a decision. Then I realized how tough of a choice it was and it made sense to really think it through before going with it. My principal was understanding, one of my co-workers told me I sucked, another one congratulated me, and the third said nothing.

I have been teaching PE for the last 4 years (with a salary). Prior to that I busted my butt to get into a teaching job, first long-term subbing and then I was a site sub and then finally did my student teaching before having to commute to Beaumont every day (90 miles round trip) just to have a job. Then a new school was being built, Lakeland Village Middle School. This was the only opportunity I would have to shorten my commute and open a new school. I interviewed at the job fair, and was hired for the '06-'07 school year. Three years, and 3 assistant principals later, I am saying good bye to the middle school hormones of ignorance, drama, drugs, alcohol, gangs, fights and peer pressure. Sadly, nothing new from when I was in school. The only difference is that my parents cared enough about me to inform me on the dangers of some of these activities and I knew to steer clear of them. Many of the parents at my school are the ones that introduce the students to some of these substances.

The students that I saw back in 2004 are now finishing their first year of college, or pursuing life in the real world with jobs and apartments. Others, are parents, working in Mexico, gang members or even worse, dead. Parents, because they were pressured to have sex before marriage or ignorant to the consequences of it. Some decided to drop out of school and go to Mexico or other places to get work. They have joined gangs just to be a part of a family and then have been killed by the same gangs. Some have died in car accidents; racing while drunk or driving without the proper education of a drivers license.

I am saying good bye to all of it for a time. Kellen deserves my love and attention. Not only because I care so deeply about him and his eventual existance as a functioning adult in our society, but also because I chose to have him, and I choose to raise him. I want him to have all the love and support he can possibly get from both Mom and Dad, because having more stuff doesn't mean we love him more.

For as long as I can remember I have been extremely independent. When I left for college, I knew that I needed to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I have never allowed God to take care of me the way he wants to. I have allowed him to be here with me, but I have constantly said to him, "I got this God you can take a break." This has caused me a life of fear and frustration with finances and trusting other people. And ultimately trusting God completely. Pastor Matt's sermon at church 2 weeks ago really hit me hard. At that point I was still wrestling with the thought of staying at home or working part time again next year. His sermon made me realize that I have not fully trusted God. I have told God, "Ok, if this happens then I will know that you want me to do this." For example, "God, if we get the loan modification, then I know you want me to stay home full time." All the while basing my trust in God on circumstances instead of full dependence on Christ. It has been hard to explain this to some people, they don't understand why I would depend on God instead of just working and knowing for sure that I will have more than enough money to take care of my family. I have never experienced the true freedom that Jesus offers when we depend FULLY on him. It is easy to say, but so difficult to live.

So now, here I am jumping into the arms of Christ. Finally ready to not be afraid anymore. Ready to let Him rule, completely, fully. To finally start living. I wonder what adventure he will bring along next...

Giggles from Mindie Gilliland on Vimeo.

Wouldn't you choose him too??

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful.
    I understand completely everything you wrote, from the teaching and the students, to mommy-hood and finances, to trusting the Lord.
    This may sound weird, but I'm proud of you, and so happy for you! :)